Author Topic: Dwarven-Elvish Diplomatic Relations  (Read 2156 times)

Offline No Head Ned

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Dwarven-Elvish Diplomatic Relations
« on: September 02, 2012, 10:32:13 PM »
A little more fluff for you. Feedback/spelling corrections are welcomed.

Dwarven-Elvish Diplomatic Relations

The elven king, Wilbur Willowslim, was not best pleased when the dwarven ambassador to the elven court told him that the winter palace built by his fabled ancestors in the Time of Legends was, in his opinion, structurally unsound. "Come back in five 'undred year 'an it'll be fallin' doon around yon pointy ears. Why, t'won't tak' more than four or five kegs o' gunpowder t'demolish entire north wing." He was even less pleased when the dwarven ambassador by way of demonstration suited actions to words. "Y'see? I told ye. wot cooboys built that for ye, eh?"

The dwarven king, Gudburt Goldgrabber, was also not best pleased to hear that his cousin, the ambassador to the elven court, had been beheaded for architectural criticism.

The elven king was even less pleased when a dwarven expeditionary force entered his kingdom, marched upon what was left of his winter palace and put the entire elven court to the sword (and the axe).

The dwarven king was still less pleased when an army sent by Wanda Willowslim, the late elven king's widow, marched into his mountains and razed every town, village, farm and settlement they could find, including several perfectly good breweries.
Myxyma T'ossiss, the ancient fire wyrm of legend, was also not pleased when her centuries-long slumber was disturbed by a dwarf king and his royal guard entering her cavern deep beneath the Dwarfhold Mountains, to call in an ancestral favour she had hoped had been forgotten.

The elven queen was therefore somewhat narked to hear that her entire army, including the general who had been so sympathetic about her royal husbands long absences from court, and even more sympathetic since his tragic demise, had been burned alive by a particularly large and ferocious dragon as they were marching back from the Dwarfhold Mountains.
She was even more narked to hear upon the return of the elven peace envoy, her sister Portia P'Ortalou, of the dwarf king's reaction to hearing her proud and ancient family name (In elven circles, it is considered a grave insult to snort beer through one's nose when greeting a peace envoy).

For his part, King Goldgrabber had been equally unimpressed by Portia's confusing the traditional formal greeting in ancient high dwarvish "k’Akalak A!k n'Aknak" (May your beer be strong and incapacitating) with the ancient dwarven curse "K’lakanak ak N'akanak" (May your offspring be numerous and noisy).

When he was attacked as he slept by a Blood Wraith sent by elven necromancers, King Goldgrabber was lucky to escape with his life, only managing to despatch the foul eartheral undead with the nail clippers (engraved with a Plus One Rune of Sharpness) he kept on his bedside table.

Upon receiving an ensorcelled Amulet of Exploding from an "anonymous admirer" Queen Wanda had a pretty shrewd idea who was to blame.

It was perhaps inevitable, then, that the full might of the dwarven and elvish hordes should meet on the field of battle. It was perhaps also inevitable that the elven host, with their nine foot long steel pikes, would not fare well in the electrical storm that broke the same day, or that the dwarfs in their iron plate would fare any better in the quagmire created by the torrential downpour that followed. Altogether some forty-two thousand, four hundred and forty-two elves, thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-seven dwarfs and a small dog perished on that dark day, and a bitter enmity has existed between the two kingdoms ever since.

(King Goldgrabber had been very fond of his dog.)



Offline Brandlin

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Re: Dwarven-Elvish Diplomatic Relations
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2012, 09:19:46 PM »
I always found the best way to deal with elves was to refer to them as pixie-fiddlers and to... negotiate ... from there.

Brandlin Oathkeeper.
"So far in begging stakes Brandlin is waaay ahead with his grav bike"  -  Sally 8/10/08

Offline No Head Ned

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Re: Dwarven-Elvish Diplomatic Relations
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2012, 12:56:53 PM »
The Pixie Fiddlers? Weren't they quite big back in the 70's?

But then I always preferred King Knut and his Goblin Xylophonists...