www.hasslefreeminiatures.co.uk (Go To: Hasslefree Homepage) > Libertee's Miscellaneous Musings II

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libertee:
As a child your priorities are all about getting what you want without getting into trouble, you dont think about what might happen in the future, you just live for the moment and dont even give whatever is around the next corner any thought.  You dont think that what you might do will affect anyone else or their lives, you just do it because you want to.  And to a certain extent that is expected and accepted as part of childhood...you makes mistakes and learn from them (maybe) and grow as a person. Money is something that is there for you to have fun with, who cares where it comes from so long as it keeps coming. You expect certain things to happen like planning for a birthday party 6 months ahead, there is no reason for you to think it wont happen after all it is your birthday and therefore there will be a party. 'Assuming' is part of being a kid.

As you get older other things start to take priority, you start to look to your peers and socialise...making more mistakes and probably being as selfish but as a young adult the consequences of your actions can start to be more serious ...being rude and cocky with your mum might be fairly safe but say the same things in a pub to a complete stranger and you will probably get punched!  Money takes on more value especially when you have to earn it and the 'bank of mum and dad' shuts for business...suddenly you realise that if you want to spend all your wages the moment you get it on complete junk 'just because you can' then you may not be able to pay the rent.  Ultimately though your money, time and energy is still your own to do with as you want.  You are still immortal.

Then comes kids, nothing is your own anymore.  every moment of your life revolves around their needs and expectations, every penny you have goes on them first...and we arent talking just buying toys but mortgage, gas, electric and everything else associated with keeping a child from nappies through to childcare to school uniform...the list is endless.  Things you used to take for granted like hour-long baths, cash in your pocket, music turned up loud at all hours, freedom to do what you want when you want to do it without the military precision planning that comes hand in hand with the child carseats and the 'roomier' cars.  You plan for 'what if's'...you take out insurance, get wills done and do your best to protect them from the really scary evil people that you know lurk around every corner. and you dont begrudge a penny or a moment that you do this for them, because providing for them is your responsibility.  You work your butt off to lay foundations that will serve them through life.

However you still think you are immortal.........yeah okay everytime you look in the mirror you see a few more wrinkles, a few more grey hairs but that happens to everyone.  you tell yourself that the average age of living for females is 82yrs old and you are only halfway there so plenty of time to do x,y & z.  You still assume things like planning for a holiday next summer or a cruise when you decide to retire.

Then something happens.  For me it was two-fold, watching someone i loved be struck down with a condition that i am regularly tested for as it runs in my family through to returning from holiday to be accused of something that i didnt do but being powerless to stop that accusation damaging my kids.  The complete frustration of watching my children suffer at the hands of 'responsible adults' (even though i was proved innocent almost immediately) led to the suspected heart attack i had on 12th October 2010.  A cardiologist confirmed my heart was healthy but that the extreme and prolonged stress had at the time caused raised adrenaline levels in my body.  7 months on from the heart attack, this situation is still ongoing with almost daily interactions that affect all aspects of my life from sleeping to eating to reassuring small children that everything is going to be fine.

The only way to avoid further attacks is to avoid stress and eliminate the cause.   I carry a GTN spray permanently now as any form of stress at all causes my heart to literally skip a beat and i get pains that radiate across my chest as the adrenaline levels rise.  You suddenly realise that you arent immortal and that is scary.  Things that you used to take for granted like going to sleep and waking up each morning go completely out of the window, when you say goodnight to your kids you wonder if you will be there when they wake up.

Throw into this the pressures of a small business with its own ongoing issues to deal with and suddenly priorities change again.  Is it worth actually dying for?  Nothing is worth me risking leaving my kids for...i love my work most of the time and i like to make people happy but my responsibility is to my family, not toy soldiers.  Just because i love what i do doesnt mean i couldnt live without it, weighing up potential gains against probable losses is something that happens most days in businesses.

Its easy to be angry with others ....their selfishness, lack of grasp of reality, bad attitudes when their issues spill into your life making you adapt your priorities to fit their issues.  But when do you say "go sort your own head out, stop blaming me because you have had a bad day, stop looking for a scapegoat because you dont like consequences."  How do you tell people around you, even family members,  that they are literally playing games with your life and the welfare of your kids without sounding selfish and petty?  How can you say to someone that you get so scared to even go to bed some nights because you cant stop your heart from pounding and you have a paralysing pain down your left shoulder without being accused of trying to elicit sympathy and attention-seeking.

Changing priorities.  I don't think i have ever thought i was immortal but a year ago i don't think i ever imagined my life would be like living on a knife-edge waiting for the next 'issue' to rear its head.  My priority used to be trying to make life better for my kids, now it is about surviving on a daily basis to have a life with my kids.  Now i pray before sleep, not for winning the lottery like i used to years ago when i wanted a new car, but that i will wake in the morning.


What am i trying to say?  Don't worry it isnt a hint that we are dumping HF ...stop panicking you will still have toy soldiers for at least a little while longer!  However i really would advise people not to have their own businesses, its not all its cracked up to be.

Go out, live life, don't assume that it will be there tomorrow, look at what is valuable to you and hold on tight to it, get rid of things that don't reward your efforts, give your kids that extra 10 minutes when they want another story at bedtime, give your partner that extra big hug.   

don't argue, life is too short.   Never assume anything is certain

leadhead:
I used to want to have my own store.  But as I got a bit older and looked at it, the type of business I wanted, the town I'm in, amount of work to put in, money to put it together and all the other things, I kind of realised what it would be like.  I look at my current job/career, look at what I make compared to what I would make with my own store, and yep, gonna keep my day job thanks.  I don't want all that kind of fun, I'll leave it to my employer and I'll just collect my pay.

Reaperman:
Bloody hell! Has Sarah gotten onto the FOD via Sally's profile???
We seem to have the live life to the max and don't stop for anything chat every time my other half has to be rebooted.

I know everything has been getting to you hun and you know both Sarah and I are here for you what ever you need. But if there is one thing I've learnt very very quickly apart from kids and me don't mix is not to run a miniatures business. Working for one is fine and fun but it gives you an incite into how tough running a small business is, you feel very grateful your only employed.

At the very least you can look forward to the 3 hen nights Sarah is having, so the both of you can relax. :thumbup:

DRAGON:
Sally you are truely a wise and wonderful person ! (cheers for the PM by the way).
Sometimes reading other peoples problems puts your own in sharp relief and you realise things are not as bad as you thought - ignore all those who try and hurt & put you down the only people who count are the people who genuinely care about you and in your case I suspect there are many !
I dont know you personally but you strike me as being a decent person always having time for others despite your own troubles which is a rarity these days - take heed of her words people she speaks a lot of sense !  :thumbup:

Inso:
I can whole heartily agree with the live life to the max ethos.

Lying in your bed, in Iraq, with rockets getting closer and closer really gives you a dose of reality and you think...is it my time?  When it isn't, it is a bit like being re-born.  You see things with a different perspective...

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